09.Sep.2002

still her eyes are staring at me

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the rise and fall of the nile

Doctor's appointment to find out what's wrong with me. Could be thyroid. Hopefully it's nothing serious. Either way I want to be regulated, something regulated, I'm tired of being tired. I feel sub-human.

Jay's decided to leave school because he no longer wants to "fuck with it". Our dynamic consists of being assholes back and forth to one another, with hints of affection thrown in just to knock each other off course. I loathe that while I'm around him I wish to be a different person to better accommodate his whims. Lately that hasn't been the case. I want to record music and I want to experience fun. We're no longer meshing. I'm flogging a dead horse, endeavoring to beat life into it.

My circle of friends is dry here. I still unabashedly miss someone who disappeared from my life for bullshit reasons. I feel as though life would make sense to me if we came back into contact with one another. That has yet to be seen.

I'm dipping into savings to pay for the doctor's appointment since I'm uninsured. The savings was for re-location. I can wait.

What I want from life is to kidnap my brother and drag him to California with me, so we can bid adieu to the lives we have here and start exploring, emotionally, musically, etc. The same Californian dream.

My time is just wearing thin.

Something has to change. I hope it's not that I'm on meds for the rest of my life to fix whatever carelessness has destroyed inside my body.

--

time & machine