03.June.2003
you. me. world war three.
--
I mean we got addicted a long time ago
Today:
Beer, job applications, strangers, phone numbers, more beer, stories from the history that will not, ever, die, nor change, warnings, comedy, and absolutely no tragedy.
My emaciated brother drove me home; before I admitted to my level of inebriation, I linked my arm around his waist and proclaimed, "Sometimes, I think you are the only real thing I have to hold onto in this state." He whirled around slowly and responded, with a kiss against my hairline, "Thank you."
"In a way," I said, "we raised one another. I have over 21 years with you, and you, out of anyone, never held anything against me."
He is not my real brother; I have no real siblings. We are a mother and father to one another retrospectively, but the line draws there. Josh's girlfriend and I decided on Vanilla Sky for the evening's movie; Josh, the roommate, and his girlfriend, decided an early departure would be feasible. I took my drink tally to the scene:
1 Peach Bellini
2 Red Stripes (I hope you remind me to tell you what the Beast said about Red Stripe on my way back home one day in March, for it's absolutely priceless)
6 Hard Colas
5 Amber Bochs
9 Shiner Bocks
And I found myself, banal confessions later, home, authoritatively brushing each emotion which accomapnies inebriation from my central nervous system.
My goal is to discover confidence; my goal is to discover what I lost years previously. My goal is to apologize to you, and bring this home one day.
My goal is to tell you, "Not now, but soon." sans emotional insecurity.
One thing scares me shitless, and it's having anything on which to fall back; I tend to break from it.
I am becoming human; I refuse to lose who I am as a musician because of it. I will not sacrifice my spirit as a trail of cinders because of it. I will not bow my spirit to others' whims. I will not lose sight of one of the only things that was ever important to me. I want to see you on the other side of this, and I want to share a cigarette with you and say, "Today truly sucked; let's fuck."
--
time & machine