08.Jan.2003
you were missed, fuck-eyes
--
it seems so fitting don't you think
I had one of those dreams that upon rising taunted me while I moved through the day. Usually when my subconscious invites people into it, I come into contact with them almost immediately upon rising from said taunting dream, as I move through the day. I could never tell with this person, however. He was a special case.
Taunting, to the point that I was willing to upload an entry into Dream-Scape about it, as inspired as I had become. But we all know this service fails around the time we're inspired, and I penned it somewhere else.
Shuffling through the series of words, the images, lurid but obscuring, against the backs of my eyelids, enflamed, grand murderess of grammar that I am. The cell rang, and as I looked down into its green face, his number flared.
"Holy shit," I said, "so much for the exception."
--
Before I begin to realize I'm having a nervous breakdown, events transpire which remind me those among me are more tortured. I fully support those who break, suffice it to say I do not push, I only help gather the pieces. This is why the martyr chromosome weaves so perfectly through me. It could be construed as a curse.
--
"My first impressions are always fucked."
"No, they're not."
"You're just biased."
"How is this?"
"Because we have so much in common."
"I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't understand me."
"I'm not there, yet."
"You will be. Don't take this personally, don't let it destroy your self-esteem."
"Too late."
"Listen, take some breathing room, you're not ready for a long-term relationship, just empty the baggage your previous left."
"Easier said than done."
"I know."
"It just hurts."
"I know."
"I don't want to see you stifled."
"I want you to stay in contact with me."
"I can make that happen."
--
There is something very sacred and beautiful about emotional pain. I will cast anything aside to comfort. I recognize clearly it could leave one susceptible to distress, to being used, but that never phases me. I believe in time the end will justify the means.
Second chances, third chances, fourth chances, eventually, this will make sense to me. In the meantime, I'm content being mesmerized by the sparks.
--
time & machine