23.July.2001
it's fine
--
not-so-angst-ridden
After a long sleep and a marvelously uneventful day, I've reached the simple conclusion that everything I tried doing differently didn't work, and that I'm only aging in the empty sense of the word. This is the third time in the last six months I've heard the following:
He's not worth it.
At what moment do we reach the point where he is worth it? Who is he anyway? At first he was too clingy, then he was too old, then he was too young, but all in all, he is a coward. And I told him this. "You are a fucking coward." Then I walked away. Or, walked upstairs to my room, and it was filled with drama, with ridiculously teenaged and desperate moments of grasping at straws.
He wasn't alone in my kitchen, but he left immediately afterwards, told his sister who tried, bless her, to set us up, "Stay out of my personal business." and that he doesn't know what he wants.
And that's fine. But I'm not going to wait around for some military reject to descend into adulthood and figure out what he wants.
I said it would have been fun, carefree, but not careless. That life is about taking chances and once someone is too comfortable they should start to worry, but, it probably fell upon deaf ears.
And that's fine.
But you have expressed you're not coming over to see me for a while, that it's "too weird", and that's perfectly fine as I am perfectly miserable.
Don't come by, don't play insipid games with me, don't smoke my cigarettes and flash me with those brilliant, military blue eyes, don't watch my television or recline in my chairs or ash languidly on my carpet, or drive me around in your van and stare at me through the rear-view mirror.
Don't blame me for the obvious fact you are a coward and can't handle someone with brains taking the first move, you conceited dribble of pecker snot.
Don't make me feel as though I'm 16 all over again, and that by reclaiming my past and turning it into something positive is pissing all over your parade. Be a kid, fuck around, but don't pull me on a string in the meantime.
Anything other than this is fine.
--
time & machine