27.May.2001
Disappointment
--
girl
I have a girlfriend who has absolutely no self-esteem, and this pains me to read her. She's on Diaryland. I link to her all the time. In fact, she should be reading this right now. The last collection of moments I've spent going through her archives and immersing myself with her life, and for some odd reason, I feel this weird, deep connection with her when I peruse her uploaded past. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to reach through my monitor and hug her as well as yell at her 'WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SELF-ESTEEM??? YOU ARE GORGEOUS!!!' as the very thought of her even daring to proclaim she is ugly makes me ill. She should know exactly who she is. I call her "tarty" all the time. Yes, dear, I mean YOU.
She said she preferred Winter over Summer. All Tori Amos allusions aside, I agree to this. Going through her archives made me wish it were three in the morning and not one in the afternoon; either way, I am still lonely, it's just a question of the sun.
I have nothing interesting to report, or anything that I'd care to admit here, there are other outlets for that kind of blather for me, but the sun is up and I am up and I have been up all night because I've reached that dreaded goth time in my life where I fear sleeping again because of the mad rush of dreams, or the mad rush of desires that remain unfulfilled, or the mad rush of trusting a desire to be played that isn't played.
And furthermore, I have a girlfriend-girlfriend who not only adores me but is my diaryland background image and a digital goddess who STILL -- to this day, I'm sure -- has wine pouring from her edible lips about 900 miles away from me in Lousiana, that I can't hold, who understands pain and takes the same pills as I once took them, who writes, and I listen, and although I may not tell her I listen, I'm always listening.
She's online now.
I want Joe here. I want Joe to come home and cuddle me.
Joe is good to my heart, I will attest this, even after the bitchy things I've listed before.
He may be boisterous and young and completely wrong for me, but when he smiles at me in that overly boyish way and hugs me, it's an odd kind of warming effect.
Come home, Joe. I am tempted by mean things that will further disappoint you in me.
--
time & machine