05.Aug.2001

I'm wide awake

--

come to your sister

I sought something in you. I sought to unleash the dark secrets in you and sought to unleash the clandestine things that rose in you. I sought impossible things, and you let me down. It is easy to dismiss me as a drama queen. It is easy to dismiss me. The sun will rise and I will ache.

I try not to let this overbear our friendship, but it's difficult to look you in the face or the textual face and try to pretend I am strong. There is so much I never told you, so much that I sought, so much that you waved aside. This is the very reason I trust no one, and the reason I let no one inside. This is the reason why I ignore the rain, and ignore that you could have been here. I try. I fail.

I wanted you, and you let me down. I need you now. I need the you I created, that I wanted to create. I need whatever it is I am constantly devoid.

Windows of colour pop up on my browser, distraction, time, paranoia, sleeplessness, the ceiling fan noiselessly breaks above me, it is dark, alcohol as longing goes through my sinew. Conversation of intense meaninglessness. I said I wished it was that easy. Your complaint was my complaint. I wasn't there, you said, but I was willing to be. I pretend to care, I break. Your introspection haunts me. I cannot do this anymore. I will never tell you.

I just wanted.

I'm wide awake.

--

time & machine