19.Feb.2002

mother

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mother do you think she's good enough

I'm taking an official pregnancy test today. A part of me feels it's negative, the other part hopes it's positive so to better explain what the fuck is happening to me, despite the wavering cravings, despite the moodiness, despite the tender breasts, despite my odd, hormonal attachments, despite the nausea, despite everything.

He officially broke up with me Saturday night, despite our flimsy relationship, aware of the news there's a huge possibility I am pregnant. His actions don't surprise me at this point.

My disappointment lies in myself, lies in my nervousness, lies in my anxiousness, lies in my confusion, my antipathy, my doubts, my fears, my change, it lies within myself. I fucked up and I accept. I will keep the child if it's positive.

If it's negative, I will get drunk.

Really, really drunk.

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time & machine