07.Sep.2003

you are everything to me

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m.u.s.i.c.

Now Playing: The Cure: "Lullaby". I have been listening to everything The Cure has ever done the past three days. Hello, explodingboy, my darling.

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My mother is awake; she asks for me constantly.

The past month has been a whirlwind. One always thinks they know drama until actual drama encompasses them, and they then realize that they did not know shit from the very beginning.

I have one hundred and eleven individuals lingering about here. It is flattering and in some cases pressuring. I think about most of you when I'm here.

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I've given myself a goal, an aspiration, a wish, a dream, a reason to prevail. I cannot do this without self-belief. Throughout my (rather stagnant) life (my own doing, of course), self-belief was never a prominent side of who I am. I've decided to change that.

I need to go to bed with a fever and wake up just as flushed. I need something that means everything to me. Previous attempts at this, resting solely with other people, have yielded me nothing but heart-break and dismay. It is time for the absolute change.

But how do we know you're not just full of shit, as you often are?

Because I feel this, and this, in turn, reaches behind its seat to steal a handful of me.

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I asked the Asian Adonis, "Do you believe in me?"

His response, without hesitation, "Absolutely."

And, it's good enough for me.

What, besides myself, stops me from stretching myself ubiquitously throughout history, throughout the landscapes of the ancients, throughout the very goals of the motivated?

Nothing.

I am in an enviable position. Perhaps it is time I took full advantage of that.

Who am I without my music, without the very soul (and I hate the word 'soul') of who I am, interlocked in the hammershank of an upright piano?

Nothing.

Struggle is a part of life; it is now my struggle.

Start from scratch. Bend. Spice. Be.

Dress up, leave a false name, be legendary.

I want to be a fucking legend, and I want my name to be the name you take to bed with you as a fever.

And I want you to wake up just as flushed.

Ground zero, here I fucking come.







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Goodnight, Boss.

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time & machine